The Oval Office Mango Mandate

 Disclaimer: The following narrative is a fictionalized and exaggerated portrayal of a hypothetical event, written in a satirical style. It does not represent actual events or statements made by Ronald Rump.

(The lights hit the stage, a familiar figure strides out to thunderous applause and a roar of  patriotic slogans. He adjusts his tie, takes a sip of water, and leans into the microphone, a mischievous glint in his eye.) 

"Folks, folks, let me tell you, it's great to be here. Just tremendous. We're doing things, big things, for this country. Nobody’s ever done what we’ve done. And you know, sometimes, even the little things, they become… battles. Tremendous battles. Even for your, frankly, very stable genius president.

You wouldn't believe what I had to go through just last week. You all know I love our country, I love our people, and I love, frankly, the best of everything. The best. So, I thought, you know what? We need some mangoes. Not just any mangoes, the best mangoes. The most beautiful, the most perfect, the most… presidential mangoes. For the Oval Office. A very important office, by the way. Very important.

So I send my people, I say, 'Go find me the best mangoes. Don't come back with anything less than magnificent.' And they look, they search, they scour the land. And they come back, they say, 'Sir, we found a place. A place with… potential. But the seller, he’s a tough one, sir. Very, very tough.'

I said, 'Tough? Nobody’s tougher than me. Nobody. I built the greatest buildings, the greatest golf courses, the greatest economy… before, you know, they came along and messed it up. But we’re getting it back! Believe me!'

So, I decide, you know what? I’m going myself. I’m going to confront this… mango maestro. I walk in, and it’s a scene, believe me. Not like Mar-na-'ago, not like Rump Tower. But it had… a certain charm. A very specific charm.

Different varieties of Mangoes

I see these mangoes. They’re good, folks. They’re very good. But are they the best? Are they the absolute pinnacle of mango-ness? That’s what I wanted to find out.

I go up to the guy, this mango seller. He’s got this look on his face, like he’s doing me a favor. Can you believe it? Me!

I say to him, very politely, very calmly, because I’m a very calm person, everybody knows that. I say, 'Sir, these mangoes. Are they the best? The absolute best you have? Because I’m looking for the finest. Top-shelf. The kind you’d serve to, well, to a president.'

And this guy, he looks at me, he squints. He says, and I'm telling you, this is exactly what he said, and it was disgusting, frankly: 'These are mangoes. They are good mangoes. You want them or not?'

Can you believe the disrespect? The audacity! I’m the President of the United States, and he’s talking to me like I’m some… some regular customer! It was disgraceful.

I said, 'Listen, pal. I don't just 'want' mangoes. I demand excellence. I demand perfection. Are these the greatest mangoes, or are they, frankly, highly overrated?'

He starts doing this thing, with his hands, waving them around. And he says, 'Sir, these are the best mangoes for this price. If you want better, you pay more.'

Oh, he went there. He went there. Trying to nickel and dime me? The man who built a fortune, a tremendous fortune, by the way, through very smart deals.

I looked him straight in the eye. I said, and this is true, every word of it: 'Let me tell you something, my friend. I know mangoes. I’ve seen mangoes. I’ve eaten mangoes. I’ve dealt with the toughest negotiators in the world – Sim Bang On, you name it. And you think you’re going to pull one over on me with these… these average, at best, mangoes?'

He started to get red in the face. Very red. He said, 'What do you mean, average? These mangoes are superior! They are juicy, they are sweet, they are the pride of my harvest!'

Pride of his harvest? Folks, I’ve seen pride. I’ve seen real pride in this country. And this wasn’t it.

I said, 'Look, I'm here to make a deal. A fantastic deal. A deal that’s good for me, good for you, and frankly, great for the Oval Office. I need the best. And if these are the best, then your standards, frankly, are very low. Very, very low.'

He started mumbling, something about 'customer always right' and then 'but not this customer.' I heard him. I heard him perfectly.

Then he pulled out a few, from the back, you know? Like he was hiding them. These were better. Not great, but better. Slightly better.

I said, 'Ah, so you do have better ones! You were trying to pull a fast one! This is what they do, folks! They try to give you the worst, and keep the best for themselves! It’s a disgrace! A total disgrace!'

He looked stunned. Completely stunned. He probably thought I wouldn't notice. But I notice everything. I have the best notice skills. Everyone says so.

So, after a very long, very heated discussion – you know, I stand my ground, I always stand my ground – I finally got him to agree. Not to the price I wanted, not exactly, but close. Very close. Because, frankly, I needed those mangoes. For the country. It was for the country.

I took those mangoes, paid the man – probably too much, but what are you gonna do? – and I walked out of there. And as I was leaving, I heard him, under his breath, he said, 'Never again. Never again will I sell mangoes to that man.'

Can you believe it? He was traumatized! Traumatized by a simple mango transaction! That’s how tough we are, folks! That’s how we get things done! We fight for the best, we demand the best, and we don't back down!

A president enjoying mangoes in the mango shaped office.

So, the mangoes, they’re in the Oval Office now. They’re good. They’re not the absolute best, because this guy, frankly, was holding out. He was a very unfair dealer. But they’re good enough. For now. We’ll get the absolute best next time. And we will convert the Oval Office into a Mango-Shaped Office. Believe me! We will!"

(He grins, pumps a fist in the air, and the crowd erupts once more as he waves and exits the stage, leaving behind a bewildered but invigorated audience.) 

---K.L.